Tuesday, September 11, 2018


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It’s been four years since my former husband hit me with the news that he no longer wanted to be married because (in his words) marriage is too hard. From then to now I’ve had some level of involvement with men who have expressed an interest in me but I’ve not been in a committed relationship.
Part of the reason I’ve not been in a committed relationship is because reentering the dating scene has been everything from quite interesting to completely disappointing.
Over the last four years, some reoccurring thoughts and themes have surfaced that I felt compelled to share with my fellow single ladies.
1. It is critical that (as single women) we are emotionally stable, mentally secure and spiritually anchored before even thinking about dating. Why, because then and only then will you be able to refrain from letting your insecurities or bad memories of past experiences with men cloud any present experiences.
2. It is equally critical that we are financially independent before thinking about dating. Why, because then there’s no chance of you prostituting yourself when the real goal is simply to with discernment present yourself.
3. Listen to your gut. Meaning, lean into versus dismiss any and all alarms.
4. Pray for the courage to honor your gut. Meaning, don’t hesitate to shut it down or walk away if shutting it down or walking away is what you know you need to do.
5. Don’t do anything (I don’t care how big or how small) that makes you uncomfortable. Why, because once you do the guilt and shame is yours to sort out not the guy you compromised yourself for.
6. Remember that most men are masterful at making us feel bad for asking questions we have a right to have answers to. If your questions aren’t worthy of answering he isn’t worthy of a chance to be in your life.
7. Understand that the man who is quick to dismiss your concerns as oppose to addressing your concerns is essentially choosing his best interest over the interest of a potential relationship with you. Watch out particularly for the statements, “That’s just your imagination.” Or, “You over think things.” Clarity is everything and a man who isn’t interested in making sure you have clarity is a man who isn’t interested in making sure you feel safe.
8. If a man is definitive about wanting to sleep with you but not definitive about wanting to be with you; if he can see you guys having great sex but can’t see you guys having a great relationship, he is making his priority known. Hear him.
9. Be interested but not desperate. Be accommodating but not gullible. Be kind but not blind. The longer we are single, ladies, or the more bad experiences we’ve had with men, the greater our propensity to be jaded or too extreme. Pray for balance.
10. Understand that you have not seen the character of a man or experienced the heart of a man until you see how he responds to being backed into a corner he doesn’t want to be in.
Lastly, last year my oldest son said something to me that was so enlightening it literally informed as well as shifted my interaction with men. He said, “consistency reveals intent.” Listen: Most men can show up the same for 30 days or 60 days. But the real intent of his heart is how he shows up after 120 days or 365 days or 730 days. Behavior not words is key.
I pray that as single women we will love our self enough to do what’s best for us...first—even if what’s best means being single a little while longer.
I love you and I am praying that you will have peace in your season of preparation.

By: Misoha Duffie

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